How are you feeling?

[FountainandFairfax]

I should be flogged if I eat again before Easter.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm more than socially anxious. I fear people

Yeah, me too. It's not simply shyness, quietness, introversion, neurotic thinking, or society anxiety ... those things are a constant ... but it's the extreme debilitating paranoia & social phobia, that comes and goes...

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: Ah feel like it would be best if ah just ended it now. :sad:

Got nuthin' left tae give, little to live for and no much of a future. It's no like ah've got ma whole life ahead o' me. And ah f**k things up on a regular basis.

 

[this_portrait]

The further I look into all the atrocities being committed these days (even in the past), the more enraged and disgusted I feel. A bit powerless, too, because I feel like I can do little about it except speak out against it.

 

[defiance]

:kickingmyself: Ah feel like it would be best if ah just ended it now. :sad:

Got nuthin' left tae give, little to live for and no much of a future. It's no like ah've got ma whole life ahead o' me. And ah f**k things up on a regular basis.

That's me just about everyday. As I have said here before, My mind has already checked out and soon I know my body will follow. :kickingmyself::crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

That's me just about everyday. As I have said here before, My mind has already checked out and soon I know my body will follow. :kickingmyself::crying:

Ah think I'm kinda half an half on this. In that, ma body is slowly on the way out but still fighting on, but ma mind has all but checked out, like it can be arse, but is desperately tryin' tae hold on.

 

[Graeme1988]

Holy f***in'... Shite! Ah've never been mair feart, tense an excited in ma life. Yet that incident could've ended badly for either me, ma sister or that other couple that were behind us queuing tae use the disabled toilet.

Good auld Glesga toon... :bigsmile: Nae wonder Glaswegians huv a reputation for violent, they're always pickin' fights efter they hud a few drinks.

 

[SilentAndShy]

Anxiety playing a part in affecting my married life - just feel like I'm falling so low with expectations of marriage. Wish I was on my own and kinda long for the lonesome life I led.

 

[defiance]

Anxiety playing a part in affecting my married life - just feel like I'm falling so low with expectations of marriage. Wish I was on my own and kinda long for the lonesome life I led.

sorry you feel that way. Just felt bad when I read this and though I should leave a comment even though I, unfortunately, cannot offer any advice:sad:

 

[this_portrait]

I have felt a combination of things all day today, but at the moment I'm a bit nervous and intimidated. Hopefully my application goes through with no issues. Dealing with authority figures has gotten increasingly harder the older I get, oddly enough (usually it's the opposite).

 

[Marc7]

Aye, and it most part of the UK. It's a pretty common word to use if you don't want to say the f-word.

Oh. Why are there curse words acceptable in Scotland?

I'm mixed raced. So, brown skin, freckled face. I've had a beard since I was 14. Used to often get the mistaken for a "effin' Paki" during my primary school years. Of course, ma sister just conveniently forgot about the time ah got this shouted at me as made my way to her car one day when ah got driven home from school, and she confronted the lad who said it. Oh, but anyway, the terrorist comparison by my oldest sister was "just to try and make me laugh". Since, nowadays, if you laugh once at a joke without thinking too much about it - as I did the first time my sister said the remark - that basically mean that it's an acceptable thing to say in public or whenever ah got ma photo taken.
And the autistic label, yeah. That's mainly because ah don't really talk much. Being quite self-conscious of ma voice. Nor do I enjoy hangin' out with ma family. Or feel total at ease in social situation. Of course, the disability has nothin' to do with it. Or the fact, I'm quite a shy, quiet, private person who doesnae really care much for being centre of attention. Also, I'm not loud, extroverted and obnoxious, like my sisters.

What race are you mixed with? You should tell your sister that you don't like being called that and tell her about that time someone shouted that at you. If that is why she compares you to a terrorist? I'm conscious about my voice too, I'm shy and quiet too.

The incident with the scissors was due to me refusing to let ma Mum cut ma fingernail, cuz ah opted to cut them myself. Kinda funny look back on it now, since my Mum's side of the story is that I did that myself by pulling my left hand upperwards, slamming it into the point of the scissor. :idontknow:

So you moved away and she stabbed you?

Don't know, ah've never gotten an answer to that question, myself. Though, 3 kids from 3 failed and abusive relationships. The youngest bairn (me) is the almost exactly like his dad in terms of both looks, standards and attitude/outlook. The bitter, hateful rants ah hud to endure whenever ah tried to bridge the topic of relationships. Ah always made the assumption ma Mum's a militant feminist based upon these point, or at least, sounds like one.

Yea, that is probably why because of the failed and abusive relationships.

Well, she says that, herself. Since she left school at 14, no qualification, isn't that great when it comes to spelling. Doesn't really read much, aside from short stories from People's Friend magazine, or those celebrity gossip mags. Basically, I've never seen her reading a paperback or hardback. Despite havin' a lotta biographies and autobiographies in the book case in the living room. Cannae really converse with her aboot much, unless yer talkin' aboot football or music, so we don't huv much of a relationship.

But doesn't she read short stories, I think she is a little illiterate. Maybe you should ask her what her interests are.

:idontknow: Gender bias, probably? Since ma mum and sisters seem to be very close. Whereas am very much the third wheel.

Oh

Ah think it's got a lot to do with being in control. And them thinking I'm too dumb to make the right choice for me. Ironically, I'm consider the more sensible member of the family. Since ah tend to think about something, weight up whether it's a good idea, before deciding on it. Oh, and narcassism...

Did you confront them with how they are?

Oh, it could be up to a year before I'm better.

I meant stay in there for a year, I'm sorry

Mainly ma voice and the fact am quite a stout fella. No some skinny b****rd.
So those 2 things, plus the very bushy beard. Y'know, you'd probably assume "this lad's clearly a few slices short o' a loaf uh breid"? Also, whenever either me, ma sister or mum suggest summit, they've got this "Oooh, look it you!" vibe aboot them. As if we should be novices at this. Even though, ah went through a similar rehab plan, age 14, with little input from the physiotherapy team back then.

How is your voice? You think they judge base on your weight then? Summit?

Well, yer in for a treat if ye ever do visit Scotland. It's a great place, and folk are general friendly when they're no drunk an picking fight with each other. Though, the delinquent kids are terrifyin'. Thick as f**k, but ye wouldnae want to look at them the wrong way.

I'm sure it is. I will take note of that.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Headache, the high blood pressure variety.

I've got to get my hot body back down into the 200 lb. range.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh. Why are there curse words acceptable in Scotland?

Why? Well, ah don't know if ah can speak from the whole Scotland here. But, as for the south and west of Scotland, swearing is used so frequently in day to day speech, that people just accept it as how it is.

As I said uptight an middle/upper class Scots tend to disapprove of it.

Also, swearing can be funny when said in Scottish, Irish or Geordie (Newcastle) accent. :bigsmile:

What race are you mixed with?

Ma mum's a Scottish women, born an bred. And ma father was African, born in Kenya but moved to Scotland. Can't remember exactly when, though. Probably around the mid-60s/70s... So I'm half Scottish and half African. But ah identify more with ma Scottish herititage than ma African herititage.

You should tell your sister that you don't like being called that and tell her about that time someone shouted that at you. If that is why she compares you to a terrorist? I'm conscious about my voice too, I'm shy and quiet too.

Ah did snap at her over the insult a couple of years ago, when she said it after I was done getting ma passport photos taken in ma local supermarket, cuz she'd just blurt it out as if it was an appropriate to say in public. She got the message but, sadly, she refused to apologies for saying it. Nor did she see it from my perspective. Justifying it as more attempt to get ma approval, than an poor attempt at irony.

Instead she opted for the crocodile tears and claim that I was picking on her.

Because, believe me, ah wanted to mock her appearance back. Just to show that she wasn't immune from those sorta demeaning jokes, either. But ah just showed restraint. Since a man insulting a women's appearance nowadays is seen as misogynistic and sexist by feminist, and I'd end up lookin' bad. We're on good terms now, but I'm still expecting some c**t ah don't know to yell it at me whenever ah go outside.

So you moved away and she stabbed you?

Aye, or ah tried to - she had quite a strong grip of ma left wrist. Or I intentionally throw my left hand back and upward onto the manicure scissors she had in her right hand, as Mum claimed at the time. So much so, that I stabbed myself just below the knuckle my pinky. Leave a perfectly straight horizontal scar. Aye, explain that yin Stephen Hawking - ya brainy c**t!

But doesn't she read short stories, I think she is a little illiterate.

Aye, but she constantly says she's illiterate and stupid cuz she cannae spell and mispronounces some words. No matter how many times me or ma oldest sister say the opposite. Like she's no up to par intellectually. Yet, that's how ah feel in most social situations.

Maybe you should ask her what her interests are.

Tried that, but she tends to keep to herself with me, become quite withdrawn. All ah know is she likes American sitcoms (mainly the ones I'm not as keen on), 80s rock music like Guns N' Roses Bon Jovi and Meat Loaf - which I grow to apprecite because she'd play them non-stop when ah wus 12. As well as her liking some of the bands that I like (Foo Fighters, Metallica, Iron Maiden etc).

But there's no really any common ground aside from the few Scottish TV shows we like, watching the football, music and comedy. Though, ah rarely hear her playing her 2 Bon Jovi albums during the summer, like ah used to.

Rarely do we debate on topical/political issues or express our opinions and feelings - or anything that comes close to that. Those things are usually off-limits except on the rare occassion when ma Mum is happy to discuss them.

Did you confront them with how they are?

Yep! But they turn on me with the "The more ye do for folk, the more ungrateful they are" Me, ungrateful? Ah don't even ask for most of the things they do for me, sometimes. They just assume ah want it without askin' and go: "Here ye go, enjoy". They're always making these false assumption about me as a person.

Yet whenever they practically beg me to do things for them, it's got to be done right away. But ah need to ask more than once afore they do anythin' for me. Mibbe cuz ah don't matter as much, ah don't know.

I meant stay in there for a year, I'm sorry.

If only ah could stay in a rehab clinic for a year, but we don't huv anythin' like that in Scotland, as they do in America. The National Health Service here probably wouldn't be able to afford to even build such a place without making cuts to other areas, like the wages of doctor, surgeons and other vital stuff.

Also, ye don't get keep in hospital for long after undergoing any extensive or minor surgeries. Especially if the operation has been talked through with both the patient and the consultant surgeon at length and they've scheduled the date that it'll take place a few month in advance to get all the important tests done.

And recovery and rehab is pretty much left to the patient and physiotherapists to cooridinate as best they can. Unless you've injuried yer back badly enough to need surgery, then yer in for longer.

How is your voice?

Oh, quite soft, calm and quiet - almost a whisper at times. Though, it's a bit deep as well. Also, tend to stammer if I'm nervous. I'm very shy.
Never hud the confidence to really project ma voice without feelin' self-conscious about it.

You think they judge base on your weight then? Summit?

Ah hope ah don't mean to sound paranoid for sayin' this, but ah think they might. Y'know, since I've got quite a stout build for be quite short. Got broad-shoulders and big arms. Also a bit on the chubby side as far a ma boddy goes. Ah think that coupled with ma shy, reserved, quiet nature gives off the impression am quite a tough, intimadatin' guy.

When am really a big Jessy, a big softie. Not as loud, obnoxious or annoying as ma older siblings. Don't really enjoy havin' to yell or confront ma family as regards their behaviour. Prefer keepin' quiet an not causing a fuss or complainin' too much.

 

[Graeme1988]

Like am hungover. But am no, just really ill.

Woke up with a really painful stomach ache, dizzyness and an irritatingly bad cough at quarter to six this morning like the other day, only a helluva lot worse. So looks like ah'll be takin' it easy for a few days until ah actually start feelin' better.

 

[grapevine]

Feel like I'm nothing

 

[defiance]

KLFJDSAKJFSDK;LFJD;GJS;GJIOGJDK;LV;LKJ;GKLGJDLGLJFIOEWJF;GKJLGJSDALKGHFKLJGSD;KLJFKSDLGJAIAGJGIOGJKLFJDASLKAFJ;EIOGJIGJWIOEDG;JKLSGJDSKLGJDALSKGJ;LASDGJ;FGDSIJGIEJGLKGHRJEI;GGJDSLKGJFDKLGJREI;GJAD;SKLFJ.

That's basically what's going on in my mind.

 

[this_portrait]

Like I need to be injected with tranquilizers to calm down.

 

[Graeme1988]

Nae energy ataw. This flu bug is really gettin' me down at the moment.

 

[defiance]

Man I don't understand what I can do. I'm just pissed off all the time now. I can't control it. It's just there. I don't let it show of course but still. As if I didn't have enough on my plate and now one more thing.

 

[vj288]

Ignored. I keep getting talked over. It makes me want to spend more time with myself, I don't mind that as much as feeling invisible.