BlueDays
1
good on you puma
Would you mind coming over and rearranging my room for the better? mine's a mess!:
:I'll pay you for it with Free Pizza!
Post your random thoughts/feelings etc
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
good on you puma
Would you mind coming over and rearranging my room for the better? mine's a mess!:
:I'll pay you for it with Free Pizza!
dean01
Well-known member
ok so im not sure this is the right thread and i dont know how to start one, although it looks like i have done before ???
i thought ide try to explain my story or what i can remember / put back together.
ive had social phobia for as long as i can remember, my symptoms were showing from the age of 10. i was in hospital aged 9 for the best part of a year, most of that time was spent in bed unable to eat. the docs ran tests on me constantly, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound etc but were unable to find what the problem was. i got so bad they decided to operate on the off chance they might find the problem. the operation went well and they found the problem it was an abscess inmy pelvis eating my appendix.
after the operation i came round to find a 6 inch row of metal staples running from my belly button down and what looked like a set of organ pipes pertruding from the right side of my stomach. everything was going well and i got discharged from hospital on christmas eve.
i couldnt move much and just laid on the sofa. after new year a nurse came round to remove the metal staples. we went in my parents room, my dad the nurse and myself and i laid down. i told them something didnt feel right , i said it felt like my belly was gonna split open but they just said i was being silly. she took the first 2 staples out from the bottom and on the third one my belly split open leaving a hole in my stomach an inch round and an inch deep, i could see the stitches in my stomach lining.
anyway i freaked out proper i thought my whole stomach was gonna open, they left the hole open and said it would heal up in time but in my head i was petrified, i didnt want to move breath nothing. things didnt get better, scar tissue started to grow out of the hole and they gave me a stick of acid to burn it and stop it pertruding out of my stomach. i got better in time but always felt different from then on.
first thing i noticed was at football, i couldnt get changed with everyone else, i walked out of the changing rooms and went home without telling my manager or anyone. i was 10.
one year later my parents seperated, my dad had an affair and my mum hit the bottle. i never saw much of my dad back then and he was gone a week before ide noticed he had gone.
one year later i got expelled from my fist school another year later the second, i had private tutors for a while and then at 14 i got a job working for a con artist, he was brilliant and took me under his wing but was beaten to death by a bouncer when i was 16. by the time i was 17 i was heavily into cannabis, selling quantitys to fund my habit and life.
the police raided my house and found 3 onces and £1000 cash, half way through the interview i was shaking so bad they stopped it and asked me if ide like to speak to a doctor, i had already been asked twice at school if i would like to see a psychia trist so from what i can gather this was the thrid time my illnes had been spotted.
i was looking at 3 years in prison and it scared the life out of me. my dad took control of my court case and i got 80 hours comunity service. i shaked and sweated my way through it, the man in charge pulled me to one side on one occasion and asked me if i wanted to clean the van as i looked like i was struggling, i declined
im 17 now and a mess, not leaving the house for weeks at a time and relying on my few friends to come and see me at home.
ok this next bit makes me feel sick but somepoint between the age of 16-17 i decided i had an std, i dont know why i thought it looking back, i had had sex when i was 15 but dont think it was that as i used protection. my mind was going and still i kept going like nothing was wrong keep everything to myself .
im 32 this is just the first half of my life
judge me or hate me i dont really mind anymore ive been through madness, pain, denial, and much more and im still here.
i thought ide try to explain my story or what i can remember / put back together.
ive had social phobia for as long as i can remember, my symptoms were showing from the age of 10. i was in hospital aged 9 for the best part of a year, most of that time was spent in bed unable to eat. the docs ran tests on me constantly, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound etc but were unable to find what the problem was. i got so bad they decided to operate on the off chance they might find the problem. the operation went well and they found the problem it was an abscess inmy pelvis eating my appendix.
after the operation i came round to find a 6 inch row of metal staples running from my belly button down and what looked like a set of organ pipes pertruding from the right side of my stomach. everything was going well and i got discharged from hospital on christmas eve.
i couldnt move much and just laid on the sofa. after new year a nurse came round to remove the metal staples. we went in my parents room, my dad the nurse and myself and i laid down. i told them something didnt feel right , i said it felt like my belly was gonna split open but they just said i was being silly. she took the first 2 staples out from the bottom and on the third one my belly split open leaving a hole in my stomach an inch round and an inch deep, i could see the stitches in my stomach lining.
anyway i freaked out proper i thought my whole stomach was gonna open, they left the hole open and said it would heal up in time but in my head i was petrified, i didnt want to move breath nothing. things didnt get better, scar tissue started to grow out of the hole and they gave me a stick of acid to burn it and stop it pertruding out of my stomach. i got better in time but always felt different from then on.
first thing i noticed was at football, i couldnt get changed with everyone else, i walked out of the changing rooms and went home without telling my manager or anyone. i was 10.
one year later my parents seperated, my dad had an affair and my mum hit the bottle. i never saw much of my dad back then and he was gone a week before ide noticed he had gone.
one year later i got expelled from my fist school another year later the second, i had private tutors for a while and then at 14 i got a job working for a con artist, he was brilliant and took me under his wing but was beaten to death by a bouncer when i was 16. by the time i was 17 i was heavily into cannabis, selling quantitys to fund my habit and life.
the police raided my house and found 3 onces and £1000 cash, half way through the interview i was shaking so bad they stopped it and asked me if ide like to speak to a doctor, i had already been asked twice at school if i would like to see a psychia trist so from what i can gather this was the thrid time my illnes had been spotted.
i was looking at 3 years in prison and it scared the life out of me. my dad took control of my court case and i got 80 hours comunity service. i shaked and sweated my way through it, the man in charge pulled me to one side on one occasion and asked me if i wanted to clean the van as i looked like i was struggling, i declined
im 17 now and a mess, not leaving the house for weeks at a time and relying on my few friends to come and see me at home.
ok this next bit makes me feel sick but somepoint between the age of 16-17 i decided i had an std, i dont know why i thought it looking back, i had had sex when i was 15 but dont think it was that as i used protection. my mind was going and still i kept going like nothing was wrong keep everything to myself .
im 32 this is just the first half of my life
judge me or hate me i dont really mind anymore ive been through madness, pain, denial, and much more and im still here.
good on you puma
Would you mind coming over and rearranging my room for the better? mine's a mess!:
I'll pay you for it with Free Pizza!
Blue, I'd build you an entire new apartment complex for free Pizza. ~W~
JosephG
Well-known member
Oo where are you headed?
Sleep feeling like just 2 hours? huh. You must be very tired when you wake. Yes?
You've heard/read this before: Consistency. Sleep with consistency. Same time everyday, sleep. Same time everyday, wake. And stay away from sugar, period.
We get confused.
Embarrassed, you bet, that too.
Ashamed? Of what? Being you? Never be anything but you.
A fool, only if you want to be. Want to be something more and you will be.
dean01
Well-known member
your right! thank you.
coyote
Well-known member
Apotheosis
Well-known member
When I open up to people, whether they are strangers or friends, I instinctively start to avoid them.
I've been trying to post here for a few days but I posted about depression few days ago and have been terrified to come back.
I've also broken up with 9 different girlfriends, each within a week after telling them about my past.
When anyone I know asks me about even the most trivial personal matters, I either make a joke or give a cryptic answer to avoid the question.
I only just realized this pattern today.
Feh -.-
I've been trying to post here for a few days but I posted about depression few days ago and have been terrified to come back.
I've also broken up with 9 different girlfriends, each within a week after telling them about my past.
When anyone I know asks me about even the most trivial personal matters, I either make a joke or give a cryptic answer to avoid the question.
I only just realized this pattern today.
Feh -.-
Tiercel
Well-known member
Sinar_Matahari
Well-known member
I seriously need to pay my shrink a visit. But first....I have to go shopping for new curtains.
I could really use some culinary therapy.... sushi buffet....
I could really use some culinary therapy.... sushi buffet....