cowboyup
Well-known member
I know nobody can actually answer 'what is wrong with me' but perhaps suggestion, IDK. :sad:
I hope I can explain what my internal dialogue is trying to say. Perhaps my way of thinking is because I am so naive to how other people think, feel, what they do in general, etc. and the feelings I feel about people seem so intense that even if I didn't have SA, I think it would be pretty much the same. I NEVER have had an actual relationship with anyone except one...a married co-worker. I am finally in the place to say that it happened, nothing I can do about it now, learned lessons, end of story. Maybe that's a cold way to think about it, I don't know. But what's done is done.
That being said, every time I meet someone or hear others talk, for example, in class, I can't turn off my mind and think things like "they sure know a lot about computers" "how do they know all that" "I sure don't want to start any conversation because I feel so dumb" "did he just look at me" "why did he look at me" "should I take that as a sarcastic remark from that girl"
....just general questions like that, the list could go on, but you get the point.
It seems that I want to immerse myself in to what others like, think, feel, do, etc. But of course realistically I know I AM WHO I AM and I can't exactly change that... I mean to such an extreme. It's not like I stalk people on facebook or anything like that, it's more like i get home from class, and then think to myself, "how do they know about___" "I want to know how to ___" I should take a class and educate myself. Or one of my really big thoughts is that I have noticed when I do get up the moxy to talk to a person (re: convo) I usually end up asking more questions as to their motives, views, and the 'how does that make you feel' kind of thing. I am careful not to reveal much about myself. It ends up more like an interview with me being playing the role of psychotherapist rather than expressing my view on [whatever topic] ... is that insecurity on my part?
I hope you can make sense of what I am trying to say here...Honestly guys, my thought process used to be a lot more clear and straight-forward, but through the years, I got beat down by time (and SA) I guess...
I just don't get why I am this way, is it yet another part of having SA? Is it because I so desperately want to break out of my shell but I don't know or how to or possess the social skills to do so?
I get home and over-think about what I should have said or get this, I have admittedly googled something they've said, whether it be about computers, cameras, something the teacher said in class, you name it...even to the extent if they've used a word or phrase that 'makes them sound smart' but I'm sitting there drooling like a weirdo.
Why can't I just let it go in one ear and out the other....or filter what I need to know and let it go.
I am curious about everything. Even if I overhear someone say, Oh I am reading___ and it is really good. I would feel like I would have to take a mental note, or write it down, go home, google it, just to know what they are reading and if I would be interested.
I know how I sound right now, but the human race perplexes me, and honestly, I am just getting started with being 'part of the world' at 43 because I have been so sheltered my whole life. Could this be part of the reason I feel this way sometimes? My age? Am I too immature and need to mentally grow up?
I hope I can explain what my internal dialogue is trying to say. Perhaps my way of thinking is because I am so naive to how other people think, feel, what they do in general, etc. and the feelings I feel about people seem so intense that even if I didn't have SA, I think it would be pretty much the same. I NEVER have had an actual relationship with anyone except one...a married co-worker. I am finally in the place to say that it happened, nothing I can do about it now, learned lessons, end of story. Maybe that's a cold way to think about it, I don't know. But what's done is done.
That being said, every time I meet someone or hear others talk, for example, in class, I can't turn off my mind and think things like "they sure know a lot about computers" "how do they know all that" "I sure don't want to start any conversation because I feel so dumb" "did he just look at me" "why did he look at me" "should I take that as a sarcastic remark from that girl"
....just general questions like that, the list could go on, but you get the point.
It seems that I want to immerse myself in to what others like, think, feel, do, etc. But of course realistically I know I AM WHO I AM and I can't exactly change that... I mean to such an extreme. It's not like I stalk people on facebook or anything like that, it's more like i get home from class, and then think to myself, "how do they know about___" "I want to know how to ___" I should take a class and educate myself. Or one of my really big thoughts is that I have noticed when I do get up the moxy to talk to a person (re: convo) I usually end up asking more questions as to their motives, views, and the 'how does that make you feel' kind of thing. I am careful not to reveal much about myself. It ends up more like an interview with me being playing the role of psychotherapist rather than expressing my view on [whatever topic] ... is that insecurity on my part?
I hope you can make sense of what I am trying to say here...Honestly guys, my thought process used to be a lot more clear and straight-forward, but through the years, I got beat down by time (and SA) I guess...
I just don't get why I am this way, is it yet another part of having SA? Is it because I so desperately want to break out of my shell but I don't know or how to or possess the social skills to do so?
I get home and over-think about what I should have said or get this, I have admittedly googled something they've said, whether it be about computers, cameras, something the teacher said in class, you name it...even to the extent if they've used a word or phrase that 'makes them sound smart' but I'm sitting there drooling like a weirdo.
Why can't I just let it go in one ear and out the other....or filter what I need to know and let it go.
I am curious about everything. Even if I overhear someone say, Oh I am reading___ and it is really good. I would feel like I would have to take a mental note, or write it down, go home, google it, just to know what they are reading and if I would be interested.
I know how I sound right now, but the human race perplexes me, and honestly, I am just getting started with being 'part of the world' at 43 because I have been so sheltered my whole life. Could this be part of the reason I feel this way sometimes? My age? Am I too immature and need to mentally grow up?