Born a virgin...Die a virgin

[Pookah]

People with SA (some of us with other probs, Asperger's in my case) also find it hard to relate to people outside of looks or conversational skills (which do matter whether we like it or not.) Realistically we have valid concerns about finding a potential partner let alone keeping one. Where do we start? A bar is not a logical place. Will there be compatible people to ourselves there....doubtful.

I do wonder, like I posted, how many mean they just want to get laid and how many are those who are bemoaning a loveless existence. For those who want a meaningful relationship it is understandable they want to vent on a support site and maybe get some feedback about how to remedy their situation. However, many of us are in the same boat so we need the people with better methods and ideas to give us suggestions.

 

[Tempus35]

Originally Posted by thoughtless
Talk about self-esteem :?

Social Phobia doesn't last forever. It's a psychological thing. If you keep thinking the way you think right now then I'm sorry but you won't get over it.

Just start doing stuff that would be positive for you. Small steps that grow bigger with time! Start working out, eating healthy food, sleeping properly, going out in the day for a small walk after breakfast or lunch, go to the store buying some milk/bread/whatever. All those "small" things. Eventually, by getting out of your house, you'll end up meeting someone, who knows? These things are very unpredictable.

Truth is, if you keep thinking you're a loser and your life sucks, you won't move on.

In case your SP is "too" serious, go see a counselor... Get some help, get some support from your family and stuff. Don't try dealing with social phobia all by yourself![\QUOTE]

SA can last forever. I've talked to 60 year old people who have had it their entire life.

I tried the "small things" method for a year and a half. It didn't work, my anxiety just got worse. I did the counselor thing too, and the family thing, none of it works.

I'm going to die a virgin too.

I just thought I would respond to the first quote in this post above.

SP is always just psychological, what about the genetic part. I do believe that there might be some that it is pure psychological but others there is a genetic part that makes fully getting over it almost impossible.

 

[Felgen]

only problem i don't have but cheer up, youll find someone, theres someone for everyone even tho i know its hard to feel that way when you're single

Ehm... no. There are 1.05 young men for every young woman.

 

[Jake123]

Ehm... no. There are 1.05 young men for every young woman.

And 10% of those young men are gay

 

[Felgen]

And 10% of those young men are gay

But then again, there are lesbian women as well.

 

[seafolly]

I can easily see how this is a concern. But finding a partner for us isn't too different than finding a partner for "normal" people. Us shut-ins just have lower odds of bumping into someone. Finding someone who will love you for who you are sometimes doesn't happen for people who live perfectly regular and social lives.

Here's my brief story...I hope it'll give some hope to those feeling like all is lost (though really most of you look very young!). I met my first boyfriend while I was sick. In fact I was diagnosed only a few months prior to meeting him. So let that sink in for a sec - the guy wasn't adjusting to a new me, he saw the anxiety and accepted it. He doesn't know any other version of me. How we met? Blind date. Don't roll your eyes. I had just enrolled in a new school, one designed for kids who have special schedules (athletes, etc). The idea was it could handle my lack of ability to attend class regularly. The first girl I met took me under her wing and after a few weeks of getting to know each other she decided she wanted to introduce me to her male friend who attended a different school I'd never even heard of. At the time I really couldn't care less about boys. I was 16 but my primary focus was getting better and not losing the friends I had before I got sick. Cancelling plans all the time really does push people away. One evening, months after her proposition, I agreed to meet him. It was a casual get together with her, the boy, and a friend of hers who was there for dilution. I remember nervously standing on the subway platform where we were to meet. It was just me and him, nervously stealing glances at each other, unsure if we had the right person. And boy did I hope that was the guy. Not only did we hit it off, but I'm still dating him 8 years later.

A lot of this was luck. I was lucky to meet this girl. I was lucky she knew him. I was lucky I had the courage to eventually say yes and be open to the opportunity rather than immediately assuming he wouldn't want to be bothered with a girl who couldn't raise her hand in class or take the subway alone. But most couples can say the same with the story of how they met - luck! The point to my story is have faith in yourself. You never know who's going to take notice. I'll even go so far as to say if I never got sick I never would have met him. I'd have stayed at my all-girls private school and lived whatever life my parents had mapped out and we never would have crossed paths.

 

[Feathers]

I completely agree with you Thoughtless - you need to have a positive attitude in life. If people are thinking "oh I am going to have social anxiety for the rest of my life"...well I guess they will with that attitude.

Coldfury you say that you know people in the 60's with social phobia...well I know alot of people who suffered from severe social anxiety and depression and GUESS WHAT...they dealt with it, they looked for help, received it and now are leading normal lives. One particular friend is working as a manager for a big telecommunications company and deals with people all the time and also volunteers her time with an anxiety related organisation and now runs a self esteem problem. Another friend who up to 4 years ago found it difficult to be in social situations recently finished working as an extra on the movie Charlotte's Web. These people obviously were not going to let IT ruin their life and did something about it and did not thing negatively. I understand it is hard for some, but sitting around and saying it is hard is not helping either, right?

annie

WOW, this is very inspiring!!

 

[Interzone]

At this point in my life, 19, in college. I feel the same way. I've never had a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I'd just like to get laid by for the hell of it and other times my mind tells me to wait for someone special. Most of the time my mind leans towards getting laid for the hell of it.

Especially now while I'm young and my body is still young. I can't help but feel disgust at thinking if I don't get laid before I'm 25 or something like that then I didn't taken advantage of my young body. Yeah, whatever, it may seem weird. I am CERTAIN others have similar sentiments. Except the girls of course, they're all angels.

 

[EdgeCrusher]

i know exactly how you feel. i am pretty sure that i am very "love-shy" and i just feel like it will never happen. id like to just be romantically involved with someone first even without sex. i wish i could find a girl that doesnt mind a shy guy. then again i never go out so i dont how i would meet anyone anyway.

 

[harlseq]

you don't need to get a girlfriend to have sex

 

[GoBlue72]

No offense, but what's up with this thread getting resurrected every four months? Is someone searching through the archives to bump threads? Alright, might as well chime in.

It was cool reading through some of the replies, especially the uplifting ones. I like that this is a place you can encourage and/or vent. My issue isn't totally about my lack of dates and hookups. It's that this pattern has continued over decades, whether I've been more outgoing or not. Then, friends of mine who have been in committed relationships or marriages end up getting divorced or breaking up, and BAM! 6 months later they're hooked up again. Is it just that us people with SA aren't reading and sending signals the same way, or maybe aren't as desperate about it? Not sure. I just know it gets harder to not compare your situation to others, once it goes from months, to years, to decades.

At this point, I'm fine with not having sex. I'll take a connection with someone over the long term any day. Just my two cents for the night.

 

[Lionheart]

.................

 

[A friend]

basically not going to get a g/f. somehow i know i am going to die a virgin...

I know the feeling...all too well...


You'll be working almost as hard as soldiers fighting in wars if you put that kind of energy into that goal. If it's not an automatic impulse that has a will of its own (your need for sex & love), than you can eliminate this problem right now.

 

[coyote]

I know it seems like it's been a lifetime at 17 or 23 or whatever to have not had any sexual experience.

no offense, but at that age you're barely an adult

why should you expect that you would much sexual experience?

because "everyone else is doing it?"

are they really, or are they just telling you that?

and if they have been, for how long? the last couple years?

big deal! what's a couple years in the big picture?

you've got another 70 years or more to be having sex

when I was 18 (and still a virgin) - figured I'd never have sex, either

or, really, i guess I didn't know how to go about meeting someone, because I was too shy, anxious, scared, etc.

but I managed to screw up the courage a couple of times, and one thing led to another

now I'm 46, been married twice, dated a few different girls

I've had sex around 3,746 times

seriously, it's probably more, but I lost count after the 27th time

it's all a matter of perspective, really

what, I'm saying is - just because it hasn't happened YET doesn't mean it NEVER will - that's just silly

but if you tell yourself it's hopeless and don't make any effort to live your life to the fullest, you're hurting your chances considerably

if you have obstacles to overcome, why create more for yourself needlessly?

ok, sorry, for the rant

good luck

 

[Felgen]

I know it seems like it's been a lifetime at 17 or 23 or whatever to have not had any sexual experience.

no offense, but at that age you're barely an adult

why should you expect that you would much sexual experience?

because "everyone else is doing it?"

are they really, or are they just telling you that?

and if they have been, for how long? the last couple years?

big deal! what's a couple years in the big picture?

you've got another 70 years or more to be having sex

when I was 18 (and still a virgin) - figured I'd never have sex, either

or, really, i guess I didn't know how to go about meeting someone, because I was too shy, anxious, scared, etc.

but I managed to screw up the courage a couple of times, and one thing led to another

now I'm 46, been married twice, dated a few different girls

I've had sex around 3,746 times

seriously, it's probably more, but I lost count after the 27th time

it's all a matter of perspective, really

what, I'm saying is - just because it hasn't happened YET doesn't mean it NEVER will - that's just silly

but if you tell yourself it's hopeless and don't make any effort to live your life to the fullest, you're hurting your chances considerably

if you have obstacles to overcome, why create more for yourself needlessly?

ok, sorry, for the rant

good luck

Excellent post! To those of you who got nothing in your teens: Improve your social skills and focus on being "better" than the average Joe. Everything will be a lot easier for you then once you hit 20.

 

[coyote]

oh, and another thing...

teenage girls do not necessarily think or act the same way as women in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's....

as you and the women you might consider dating get older, and - hopefully - more mature, you will probably find that they play fewer games

you might also find your own standards of attractiveness will mature

so you'll meet more women you want to ask out

if you limit yourself to only the five hottest girls out of the 200 girls in your high school class, what do you expect?

what I'm saying is, things get easier as you grow and mature

thanks,

peace and love and rainbows

 

[coyote]

you don't need to get a girlfriend to have sex

this is true

it's much more fun that way, though

unless you can have two girlfriends

especially at the same time

 

[JamesSmith]

basically not going to get a g/f. somehow i know i am going to die a virgin...

So what? You should be more concerned, if that does happen, about the fact that you never found love. And just because you get a g/f doesn't mean you lose your virginity, I didn't lose mine with the only g/f I ever had.

Besides all that, do you have friends? I've noticed a ton of love-shy guys (including me) don't even have friends. We should be more concerned with creating a healthy relationship with the world first, instead of just trying to get laid which sounds like your goal. This is what ticks me off about society: most people are too sex-obsessed. All these people go to these bars with most of their goals being to have sex with someone. Like I'm not saying sex is bad, but so many people treat it like it's on the top of their to-do list. I would rate making friends over finding a true love, and then rate finding a true love over having sex. I'm sick of hearing how "important" sex is, it's not like your going to die early if you never get any. If anything, you'll probably live longer because you won't have any spouse to argue with and wear you out. There was this guy from Europe, Wales or something? I'm not sure where, but he lived to like 116 and claims he did that because he was a virgin that never got married. He said what I just did, significant others mean arguments which shortens your life.

 

[A friend]

There's also a very good alternative to sex, and it something you can do in private, and it's a lot less work too. It's one of the main reasons why I'm not concerned about having sex.

 

[GoBlue72]

There's also a very good alternative to sex, and it something you can do in private, and it's a lot less work too. It's one of the main reasons why I'm not concerned about having sex.

Haha. Good one, AFIN. Me too, I guess, until recently. Reminds me of the quotes from friends: "I woudn't f--k her with your d-ck," or "I'd rather spank my monkey every day than hook up with her."

Coyote, wow! You sure you have social phobia? Just kidding. Sounds like we both started after high school, yet you're approximately 3,000 shags ahead of me now.

Some of what you said does ring true to me: it's not like you haven't had sex in 23 years when you're 23. I'm assuming most people wouldn't start until their mid teens or so. It's the 23 years after you're able to comprehend sex that counts as 23. Which is what makes my last 10+ years even more depressing. Yes, I've dated over ten girls in that time, but I'm not sure even continuing to date them would've led to sex.

Apparently, I've been told attitude is everything. So I have adopted that mantra for now, and if things continue as they have for the past decade in the next ten years, THEN I will jump to conclusions. Until then, you are correct: self-fufilling proficies constitute the SA mindset. Believe you'll be a virgin and you probably will. Believe you are someone worthy of having girlfriends/boyfriends and you probably will as well.