hey...argh...feeling shit tonight....I know I don't have things as bad as some of you guys but I'm still getting overwhelmed.....
i'm generally feeling pretty scared these days....scared of myself...the horrible depths my mind is capable of taking me to and the ease in which I seem to frequent those places. My anxiety has definitly gone up a notch since my teen years....there's these feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and panic mixed in now. With an objective view of my suffering I can easily see the growth and maturity it's serving me....but as soon as it gets subjective that view vanishes so quickly....its like some kind of black hole that sucks me in.
there are so many things going through my mind right now.....but I'll pick out two
Firstly, I'm confused with this little ironic contradiction in my life of how I've ended up in the position I'm in today when throughout my education years, school - uni, I did everything that was expected of me.....I got good grades, I had talents and extra curricular activites etc...I was good at sports, I was even head boy at one point! Succeeding in this world I found really easy and I think I still would. Give me a challenge or problem that I can mull over and figure out in my room and I'll get you an answer.
But it seems there are some important things they don't teach you in schools....that maybe life isn't about being the best, having talents and intelligence and good grades etc....maybe its about love and relationships......i.e. the one thing in life I've always sucked at.
ergh I dunno....I'm just ranting......its just so hard to make connections with people when I have this contant urge to get somewhere private, and I just don't have any urge to speak to them......plus I feel fake...thats another probelm I hate.....I feel REAL when I'm on my own.....I feel FAKE around other people....I feel like I have to sacrifice parts of my identity....I don't like that....plus I feel like such a loser for having these work at home jobs and always having to deal with questions like, "why aren't you using your degree to get a decent job?".....I just don't wanna work with other people.....but I guess the answer to that one is to not compare myself to others.....I gotta run my own race....I know I'm trying my hardest....and I trust god.....I think?!?....haha!.....bleughgh
p.s. i know I wrote on another thread that I was doing much better SA wise....well thats still true....but I guess I'm not as cured as I thought!
anyway, the second thing was just about this feeling i get when i see people "better" than me etc....I keep comparing myself to others....and then feeling queezy.....and I wander around myspace and see how well everybody seems to be enjoying life and I keep listening to these "new" bands that are supposed to be so great and keep feeling nothing......and thats another thing.....I dunno if I've gotten too exsistenial but sometimes life just doesn't FEEL real....like I know chemically my body is still reacting as it should....but I see something funny....I laugh....but then I think, so what.....whats the meaning behind it?....its this meaningless feeling I struggle with......I'd like to get to the heart of these two problems....find out the solutions....
anyway....hmm....that did feel good to just vent......nice thread idea....I may come back again
Chin up everybody!....I hope you're all doing well in your various stages......
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