I really wish I had some sort of purpose or direction in life. I feel like I'm just aimlessly going through the routines each day with no motivation whatsoever. I look down on myself for not having the same optimism and energy that all my peers have, and all the things outside of school they do. They all seem so determined and certain of what their future entails. Meanwhile, I have little interest in academics or anything at all really and I have to submit my uni course applications by the end of next month.
My mum wants me to do medicine. She doesn't say or admit it directly, but I know she just wants me to do med, mostly because of the supposed job prospects and job security in the healthcare sector. And if not med, then biomedical science or something similar. Knowing myself, I probably will end up succumbing to her expectations and just do it, even though I have no real passion for it. Then again, I have no real passion for anything at uni or even at a technical college, no dream career or job, nothing to strive towards at all.
I'm only 17 years old, I simply don't understand how anyone could come to an informed decision of what they wanted to do in the next ten years of their life at this age. And in the past few years, I feel like I've made zero progress. I'm still socially stunted, deathly skinny and an absolute train wreck. I just don't have many qualities that could be seen as admirable in the Westernised society I live in. I'm crippled by stigma and can't bring myself to get off my *** and do something about my complacency and apathy.
Lastly, I also feel guilty about all of this. I had the same chances and opportunities as everyone else, and all I had to do was say yes and accept and give it a go, but I keep refusing because I'm too afraid of change. Other people have so many more obligations and jobs to keep up with, while I have neither. I feel like I should have no excuse to be whining about my life, or whether my issues are anything more than just typical teenage angst.
I just want everyone to shut up about careers and school and university entrance scores and valedictory dinners for just a moment. I can't remember the last time where I was truly relaxed. There's just always something in the back of my head to worry about, always something.
/end rant