I very seldom allow myself to "be myself" around people. Like with my parents, who are "old school", i am totally prim-n-proper. Why, is because i do not trust myself. Like my parents, but more so, I have quite a fair bit of "REALLY HEAVY SHlT" stored inside me, like a coiled python - there's got SO SO SO much pain bottled-up inside me its not funny. So i do what i need to do, which is to never let people "in", never be my true self, never allow myself to go down any "track" of spontaneity, for fear that it may lead to bringing some deep shlt to the surface (which i usually supress/repress very well indeed!; in fact i am "THE MASTER" of supression/repression).
I have learnt, from a few experiences, that its best that i steer well clear of all forms of spontaneity/etc with people (in real life).
But on the other hand, its bad, as i never learn to "handle" situations which can trigger stuff in me.
This topic really for me, is BEYOND ANY WORDS that i can mention. This topic is one of my "BIGGIES".
But to answer the question, either i'm a "violent monster" deep down (the "ugly"), or else something else which i'm just as terrified of knowing about (the "bad"). Or else, i'm simply an intensely deep/passionate "nice guy" who is whose emotional needs have never properly been met (the "good") ... who's to know...... (in religious terms, "the 3 thingees")
Edit: Just looking at post above, mine's a bit "heavy". Have i misinterpreted this thread?. Maybe i don't actually know as never really allowed myself to "open up" around people for extended periods of time?. My take on it is: i'd get past the "shyness" --> am prim'n'proper/reserved --> little bit funny-humourous --> but too much time with people --> return to my usual intense/grumpy/unhappy/violent mood --> want to be by myself again.